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Originally published: 2013-01-04 14:26:32
Last modified: 2013-01-04 14:26:54

Lovin’ Spoonful: Twas the week after Christmas

Sherrie Norris / (

I received a message a few years ago that’s nearly too realistic to be funny, but laugh with me anyway as we take the week off from cooking and enjoy a bit of holiday humor.
‘Twas the week after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
Not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
The chocolate I'd taste
At the holiday parties
Had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
There arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef, nicely rared,
The drinks and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said,
“No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But, isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, it’s no longer a riot.
I say “Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.”